If I have to go (Ziva)
by dustytiger
Summary: va's life has moved forward in the years since she left NCIS but a clip of a song DiNozzo sings always makes her question the choices she's made. Stand alone (kind of see notes). Implied Ziva/Tony plus a small surprise. Be kind and enjoy!
Title: If I Have to go (Ziva)
Author: Trista Groulx aka dustytiger  
Rating: T (like the show to be safe)  
Disclaimer: I am a starving artist and I do not own NCIS it belongs to its creator, network, writers, actors and actresses who make it happen. I also do not own the song quoted; Tom Waits does.  
Summary: Ziva's life has moved forward in the years since she left NCIS but a clip of a song DiNozzo sings always makes her question the choices she's made.  
Notes: I was randomly clicking on you tube and came across this song "If I have to go" by Tom Waits. Two ideas popped into my head and I decided to run with each of them. I have learned that the NCIS fandom has very specific camps so I will posting each as a stand alone because they are. This is set sometime in the future, and could fall somewhere into cannon. Please note this is not my usual warm fuzzy fic. Implied Ziva/Tony in the past with a little intrigue added. Enjoy!

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 _"And if I have to go will you remember me? Or will you find someone else while I'm away?  
There's nothing for me in this world full of strangers; it's all someone else's idea. I don't belong here and you can't go with me. You'll only slow me down."_

Ziva David must have watched the clip thousands of times since had slipped the jump drive into her hand as they stood on a tarmac saying goodbye. She replayed the scene in her head so many times now she wasn't sure if everything she remembered was real. She had woken up so many times in the middle of the night after dreaming about once again being in Anthony DiNozzo Junior's arms. She would then play the clip of him playing a sad Tom Waits song.

He would do something that could have been straight out of the movie before he flew home. It was hard to believe that it had happened almost five years earlier. The only thing that was kept on the drive was the video of him at home sitting at his piano singing to her; clearly he had sensed long before he'd found her that she would never go back. She wiped her tears away; no matter how many times she watched she had the same reaction.

She heard something from behind and realised that her four year old daughter was not in bed asleep like she thought. Rather the little girl standing in the doorway holding her stuffed bunny in her hands watching her mother. Ziva sighed softly she knew at some point she would see the clip, but she still wasn't ready to show her.

"Mama, who's that?" she asked going over to her mother and giving her a hug.

"Why aren't you in bed?" Ziva asked.

"I can't sleep. I wanna hear the whole song."

"Tali," she sighed, not wanting the little girl to ask more questions.

"Please?"

Ziva picked the little girl up so she could sit on her lap. She hit the button and played the song again. Tali watched the video and listened, smiling. Ziva cherished moments like these with her daughter. For so long she thought she didn't want kids but the moment she had seen the positive test result she was excited; even if it meant being a single parent with no family to help her. Although she would never admit it out loud she knew she could go back and never be alone but something kept her in Israel.

As happy as she was with her decision she couldn't stop herself from thinking about Tali's father. She missed him every day, but he never seemed to want children in the time she'd known him and she now loved being a mother and wouldn't change that for the world. She knew one day she would need to tell her daughter the truth, but she wasn't ready; she wasn't sure she ever would be.

Sharing the video with her daughter was more significant than the little girl would ever understand. It was a small step even if she didn't know who the man on the computer screen was. This was the first time she would see her father.

Ziva had to fight to keep herself from crying; the song always tugged at her and didn't want to have to explain to her why this video had such an affect on her when she was normally well in control of her emotions. Seeing her daughter examining the man, likely wondering who he was made her question everything she had chosen to do since she had returned to her homeland.

Every time she would watch the video she would wonder what he looked like now and where his life had led him. Her mind was wondering and it took her a moment to realise that it was over and Tali was talking to her. She ran her fingers along her daughter cheek and smiled at her. She smiled right back at her.

"Do you 'member him, Mama?" she asked.

Ziva nodded. "He is hard to forget."

"Is he in America?"

"He is, yes."

"Are we ever gonna go and see all of your friends there?"

She took a deep breath before telling, "maybe one day, Angel, but right now it is time for you to go back to sleep."

Tali yawned. "Can we listen again?"

"Not tonight, we will tomorrow," Ziva assured her.

"Promise?"

"Yes, I promise, why are you so interested in watching a video of a person you do not know?"

"I dunno. He looks like he's nice and he sings good."

Ziva lifted her daughter into her arms and brought her into her bedroom. She laid her down on the bed, and Tali didn't argue. She hugged her bunny toy close as her mother kissed her forehead softly and tucked her in again; before she left the room closing the door part way.

She watched her daughter for a few minutes. Tali mostly looked like her mother but there were parts of her that were just like her father. Her eyes were a lot like DiNozzos, and when she smiled she looked more like him. Even some her behaviours were like her father despite having never even heard about him. She liked to play harmless pranks on her friends and the mischievous look that washed over her when she would was just like DiNozzo after he'd set the trap.

When she went back into the living room she watched the video one last time. She soon found herself typing out a message. She had started these letters hundreds of times, but she never finished them and certainly had not found the nerve to send any of them them. Once again she stared at the page and clicked the window to close it. She pinched the bridge of her nose, and tears started to fall down her cheeks.

She allowed herself to miss the life she left behind but always tried to focus on her new life. She took her phone in hand and sighed softly when she saw the number her fingers had landed on. She knew that he would listen and likely have advice for her but she stopped short of dialing. It had been so long she didn't know how to tell anyone the truth anymore.

As much as she wanted her daughter to know everyone who had meant so much to her for so long she knew that if she did that then she would need to come clean about a lot more than just who the father of her child was. She wasn't sure if she'd ever be ready for that step; but at the same time she knew as Tali grew up she'd want to know more and more about her father. Ziva could only hope she would find the nerve to tell her the truth.

She went into her own room not long after and as she lay in bed her mind raced. She knew that she wasn't going to get a good night's sleep. She had thought about this thousands of times but in the end she always chose to keep her secret.

The End

Notes: All right so that was that. I know I've explored this idea in the past in a long fic but it worked very well into this fic too. Please be kind and let me know what you think about this. Also let me know if you have or plan to read both parts. Hearts – Trista.


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